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Historic Site/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, nothing says status like having two cars, especially if they both run. And wouldn't it be great to have a place to store them, even if all you had was a single-car garage? Well, all you need is a couple of playground slides like these and two sections of those roller conveyer things they have at the beer store. You just drive up so that your outside wheels go up the slides, and let gravity take care of the rest. Oh, don't forget to fasten your seat belt. And you might want to stop and let your wife get out first. [ laughter and applause ] [ cheering and applause ] all right. Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Got a bit of a problem this week at the lodge. This is today's paper, the "possum lake daily movement." [ laughter ] lot of interesting stuff in here. Apparently the berlin wall is down. [ laughter ] but listen to this. Possum lake city council has passed a new by-law that says that it is unlawful for any local club or organization or lodge to operate without a permit. They won't -- they'll never give us a permit. I mean, this is the beginning of the end right here. We need to find somebody who knows how to get a legal loophole going for us. [ laughter and applause ] so perfect timing, mike. Did you happen to see page four of today's paper? Yeah, the possum lake sunshine girl. Whoa! Oh, no, that's an ornamental shrub. Oh. I'm talking about city council passing that by-law. They're trying to shut down possum lodge. Well, how do you know that? Well, it says right there "they're trying to shut down possum lodge." [ laughter ] well, like, doesn't the lodge have historical value or anything? Well, I don't know. I mean, it's old. It smells old. You know, that may be good enough. It works for senators. [ laughter ] why? What were you thinking? Well, in the historic erection provision, subsection "c," part 14, it says -- and I quote, "consideration must be given to erected structures, edifices and buildings "which have stood for 150 years. "each erection must be assessed by a committee "to assess its historical value. "sufficient significance shall result "in preservation of said erection." [ laughter and applause ] okay, uh, so all we have to do is prove the lodge is at least 150 years old. How do we do that? Well, we could show them the kitchen and bathroom. [ laughter and applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheering and applause ] the prize for today's contest is... A free neck waddle reduction at possum lake's first and only plastic surgery clinic, tuck and roll. [ laughter ] red, you have 30 seconds to -- red, you have 30 seconds to get dalton humphries to say this word here... And go. All right, dalton, for a store to be successful it has to have good... Security. No, this is something all your customers want. Refunds. [ laughter ] no, no, somebody comes into your store, and they can't find what they're looking for. They need... Their brain examined. We have everything. It's the everything store. That's why it's called humphries' everything store because we have everything. All right, but you know, I'm thinking maybe this is one thing you don't have. Repeat customers. [ laughter ] come on, guys. Time, time, time. Okay, you know, somebody comes into your store, even though they're not buying anything, and you give them... A cold stare. All right, dalton, what bugs you the most about owning the store? All of it. I hate all of it. Well, why the heck did you open the store in the first place? Because my dad left it to me in his will. Of course, I didn't find out about it until the funeral service, for crying out -- [ bell ringing ] hi, winston rothschild here of rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services. If it's burning your nose and curling your toes and changing the flame on your candle, you're not less of a man, ask for a hand 'cause you've got more on your plate than you can handle. [ laughter and applause ] you may have noticed that the reel on this fishing rod has had some functionality problems in the area of managing the winding in and out of the fishing line, which really is the sole purpose of its existence. Now, a younger man might take all that tangled line off there and rewind it on properly, but at my age, I don't have the time or the vocabulary to get through that much frustration. But that doesn't mean this fishing rod is useless. If we threw things out just because they no longer did the job they were originally intended to do, bernice would stick me out at the end of the lane on garbage day. No, sir. We're gonna give this fishing rod a whole new life. Taking our inspiration from the technology of the weed whacker, we're gonna make a hedge whacker. All's you need is a fishing rod, a cordless drill and a pair of roller blades maybe your kids gave you to speed up the inheritance. To start off you want to attach the drill to one of your roller blades, using the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. Okay, that's our basic hedge whacker configuration. Now, the drill will spin the fishing rod, and the roller blades will allow the whole unit to run smoothly along the ground. Now what you wanna do is add a chunk of fishing line as your cutter. You can use whatever strength of line you want, depending on the hedge you're cutting. I'd say with a chinese elm, go with a 40-pound test. And I'm using a four-foot length so I'll be able to cut the whole hedge in one pass. Now, to get the centrifugal force going, you might wanna add a couple of lead sinkers to one end of the line. I'd say really crimp those babies on there, 'cause if they come off at 100 miles per hour, you'll never find 'em. Now you attach the other end of the line to one of the guides on the fishing rod. You got several heights to choose from, depending on how high you wanna cut your hedge. You got low, you got medium. I'm gonna go with eyeball height. I recommend safety glasses first. Okay, we're all set to go, and here's a little extra bonus. I ran a long length of fishing line down to the far end of the hedge. Tied her off there. And on this end I've got a fish hook, which I just put into the lowest rod guide. Now when the rod turns inside the drill, see, the line winds up, and it pulls the whole unit the whole length of the hedge. Is that great or what? So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Let's give her a try. Just lock the drill in the 'on' position, and stand back, stand well back. I got a letter from a viewer. Seemed like a nice fella. Said he's never missed an episode. He wanted me to do one of these talks about memory loss. I didn't have the heart to tell him I've done three or four of 'em already. So here goes another one. Apparently, doing crossword puzzles will prevent memory loss. I heard that somewhere. Can't remember where. Anyway, I thought I'd give it a try. So last night, bernice was gonna be home a bit late. She asked me to put the potatoes on to boil before she got there. So I did that, then I went into the living room and started on a crossword puzzle. Next thing you know, I'm kinda gazing off thinking, boy, I used to know that word. Then I heard the smoke alarm go off in the kitchen. Then I realised that crosswords don't prevent memory loss, they confirm it. So I say don't worry about your memory. As long as you have a wallet and a tackle box, anything you want you can either buy or fish for. And the only word you need to remember are the ones you use to explain to your wife how you burned her best pot boiling potatoes. And those words are, "that's what you get for asking me to cook." and there's one other thing you need to remember... I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] hi, winston rothschild here of rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services. Call me when your business isn't going down the drain. Well, we're still trying to prove the lodge is old enough to avoid the wrecking ball. Old man sedgwick offered to help us out. He says he remembers coming to the lodge when he was just a little kid. He's not very convincing, though, because he says at the time he was a little girl. So instead, we're gonna take some artifacts down there. I've got the original possum lodge mail box. I figure the dates on some of these bills might prove she's kinda old. I don't think they go back far enough. But this log might do the trick. I pulled it out of the lodge foundation. It goes back a while. Wow. That's pretty spongy. Yeah, it takes a long time to get that rotten. They used to say that about my grandfather. Wait a minute, isn't there a kind of ultra-violet scanner they put on things to tell how old they are? Hey, that's right! The local cops have got one. I always wanted to try it out on tina turner. Why don't we just get the oldest thing at the lodge and take it down there and get it tested? That's a great idea. What's the oldest part of the lodge? Well, I would say the front door. Where's the front door? It's at the back. Oh. Red! Red green! Welcome. You are welcome here, sir. Yeah. All right. I brought you a newspaper. Oh, for the hamster cage, huh? Well, thanks anyway, but howard didn't have a very good week. Oh, no, you didn't eat him, did you, gord? No, I let him out of his cage so that he could play around a bit. Then I put him on top of the railing so he could see the forest better, and -- I guess he must have slipped. Hamsters can't fly, can they? He did for a little while. All right. Okay, gord. Okay, well, cheer up. Actually, that's not what the newspaper's for. No? No. No. Uh, do you know what personal ads are, gord? Oh, boy, yeah. Whoa! I didn't think so. Okay -- personal ads are a way to use the newspaper to meet women. I'm loving this already. See what it says there? "single women seeking single men." how do I meet these women? Well, no, you don't want to meet just any woman. Oh, yes, I do. You wanna find that one special woman to bond with. Bond! Is that what they're calling it nowadays? Guess I've been out of touch, huh? Well, yeah, you have. But you've gotta think about what kind of woman do you like? Oh, well, let me see. Uh, age is important. She has to be over 21 and under 100. Uh, oh, she can't be afraid of heights. And, uh, no, I guess that's about it. So how do I meet these women? Well, I guess you just phone up the ones who put their numbers on their ads. Really? Yeah. I'd talk to a real, live woman, not a recording? I'd say, hello, this is ranger gord. I was just wondering if we could get married some time. Um, you might want to let them do the talking. Yeah, you're probably right. Play hard to get, huh? I'm not sure I want to get married and settle down anyways. Next thing you know, they'd be asking me to get rid of my imaginary girlfriends. Oh, like, as if. Uh, you know, gord, this might be a better ad for you. "hamster, free to good home." what's the number? Give me the number. Red: Winston and walter called me out to the baseball diamond. I didn't know what they wanted they were gonna set up a home run contest between the two of 'em. Pretty ambitious schedule, I would say, if you're gonna get that many home runs. I gotta be home by christmas. They wanted me to be the judge stand out by the fence. Catch any errant balls, I guess. Oh, they're gonna flip a coin winston wanted to flip a coin and see who would go first. So I said, "fine." walter goes first. Take the sign out with me. All right, winston, you're pitching. Out you go. And I get myself set up by the fence there. It's just a normal reasonable sized ball diamond. And I'm all set. And let's get her going. All right, winston, fire him the first pitch. Let's get this going. He's out there on the mound, looking for the sign, of which there is none. Can we pick this up a bit, boys? All right, let's go. He looks ready. Not yet. All right, he's ready. No! All right, okay, okay. No, just a minute. All right. Okay, time out. Time out. What have you got in there? Sensing your life is going by just a bit too slowly? All right, here we go. Fire it in there, winston. Fire it in. Fire it in. Throw the ball. Fire it in. All right, he's ready. Fire it in. Fire it in. Oh, the ol' spitball. Man, this could get ugly. All right, fire it in. Fire it in. Here she comes. Here she comes. And -- oh, too much spit. You do what you gotta do, you know? This is gonna be a while. Okay, here we go. Here we go. An-n-nd... There it is. Oh, hiya! And a little bit late on that one. That's one out. Yeah, okay. He gets the three outs on this, I believe. And he -- what's that? Oh, he doesn't like -- oh, it's the bat. The bat's too heavy. Get a lighter bat. Speed him up a bit. Is that one good? That's good. All right, here we go. He's ready. Let's go. Here we go. Here we go. He's ready. Let's go. Okay, throw it in. Okay, he's ready. He's ready. He's ready. Let her rip. Check first. There's nobody there! Would you just throw the -- there we go, and, oh! That's gotta hurt. [ red chuckling ] that's right. Two out. Two out, one more to go. No home runs for walter. Oh, yeah. Oh, who could blame me? Oh, a little different approach. That should cover the entire strike zone, I would think. Yes, he got it. He got it! It's goin' -- that could be -- that could be -- no. Okay, I believe that is the third, and you're outta there. Now, winston, let's see what you can do with it. Okay, walter, grab the ball. Fire it in at him. [ snoring ] I had lost all my interest in what they were doing here. Winston's all set, and he's a strong little fella. So let's see -- oh, boy. And, and -- oh! Man, he got -- oh, that -- it could be. It could be. Oh! Oh! That's a home run! Well, winston, you win. You know anybody who commutes to work on a regular basis knows just how great it would be if you could get just a little more sleep. Even an extra 10 or 15 minutes of shut-eye would mean that you wouldn't have to do so much of your sleeping while you were in traffic or at work. Think about this. Instead of having to get up early to make your coffee at home, or allowing time to stop at the busy drive-thru, I'm gonna show you how you can make your own coffee while you're on your way to work. You take an old kettle, and you mount a spark plug in the side and a thermostat and a spout in the bottom of her there, and you hang the whole unit from your sun visor. Then you pull one of the ignition wires off your engine. You run that up to the spark plug. Oh, sure, she'll run a bit rough, but you get used to it. And now what happens is the spark plug heats up the water, and once the water gets hot enough, that'll open the thermostat. Let's the hot water flow down into this oil funnel, which is lined with a number 10 coffee filter. Now you just fill her up with your favourite blend, by golly, you're on your way. And you'll see I've got the other end of the funnel positioned over my coffee mug, which is mounted in the handyman's secret weapon cup holder. Of course, you have all this pre-set the night before so you can sleep in that extra little bit in the morning. You come in and you pull out of the driveway, and as soon as the engine warms up -- you can wake up to the smell of coffee. And a couple of minutes later, you'll be enjoying a fresh cup of joe. [ applause ] hi, winston rothschild here of rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services. We want your business, and we'll come right to your backyard to get it. You've done something really stupid. Could be the worst stunt you've ever pulled. And you know that because it's so quiet at home you can hear your stuff being tossed out onto the cedar hedge. You're in trouble, all right. Trouble is, you don't know why. The information you so desperately seek is being doled out on a need-to-know basis. And it goes something like this. "wrong? What makes you think anything is wrong?" or "if you need to ask, I'm not gonna tell you!" see, you just can't ask. Well, that'd be suicide because you're already supposed to know. So what are you gonna do? You are a guerrilla in a border skirmish that's been going on since you got married, so you do what a soldier does best. You wait. You stand loosely at attention and pray that the big artillery doesn't reach the front. Show no fear! Maintain a non-aggressive stance. Do not, under any circumstances, question the commander. You'll be issued new orders soon. Until then, be prepared to surrender and stand at ease until further notice. And do not think about an attack. Your rear flank is far too exposed. Don't thank us. That's what friends are for. [ applause ] you know, you should never lose faith. Whenever the lord closes a window, he'll often blow off a front door. Well, we had the door analysed, hoping we could save the lodge from being torn down. Yeah, had a complete chemical evaluation. Turns out the door only dates back to 1952. They didn't even get that from the test. The price tag was still on the door. Said possum lake lumber, 1952. I phoned over to make sure that was the date not just the price. It was the date. Yeah, we still owe them the price. But here's the good news. The chemical analysis showed that the lodge is full of asbestos and p.C.B.S and carcinogens they hadn't even thought of yet. If they tear the lodge down, all that stuff goes into the ground. It'll be an environmental disaster. So city council ruled to preserve the lodge because it'd be too dangerous to wreck it. Is this our lucky day, or what? [ applause ] [ possum squealing ] oh, meeting time, mr green. You go ahead, mike. I'll be right down. Should I take this as a door prize? No. No. Well, that's it for our show -- don't slam the door. If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And I kind of learned that we have to take care of the old things. We've got to treasure our antiques, especially if they're each other, so I'll be coming home tonight with the furniture oil. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and the whole gang up here at the lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] everybody sit down. Sit down. Sit. Sit. Sit. Sit. Sit. Everyone sit. All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, men, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Red: All right, men, you know how we've always wondered what year old man sedgwick was born? Well, we took him down, and we had him tested on this special piece of equipment. And they've narrowed it down to some time during the mesozoic era. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com